Love and Caring. Or how I'm coping.

Happy Birthday Mommy.
I love and miss you more then anything in the world. I wish that we could celebrate this with you.
This feels really surreal. I woke up this morning and knew it was your birthday and felt weird knowing I wouldn’t be seeing you today or talking to you.
I’m going to have a small ceremony for you by putting flowers in the ocean and being at the beach during sunset. I’m also Skyping with Dad and Molly.
Small things to help remember you by. 
 

I don’t know why being away from home has made me miss my mother so much more. Or maybe it’s just more apparent then it was at home?

It could be that I have so much more time with myself and my thoughts now. I just end up thinking of her and crying and trying to distract myself however I can so that I don’t just sit and think. That might not be the best way to deal with this, but it’s so painful I can’t think about her all the time or I wouldn’t leave my house.
I feel angry a lot too. It’s always directed at people who I know have the best intentions and want to help and console me, but I always feel angry. I mean, they have no idea what I’m going through how can they possibly think their advice will help? They have no idea!
It’s all so confusing. I wish life wasn’t so hard. 

It’s weird to think that in a few hours I’ll be back in the Dominican Republic.
Leaving this morning was hard. I know that I want and need to do this. It’s important to me and it was important to my mom. But at the same time I don’t want to leave my dad and little sister. It’s like theres this hole that I know we all feel, and when I was at home it was easier to work with that. Now I’ll be all alone again and who do I talk to when the day isn’t going well and I miss my mom more intensely then usual?
For me, strength has always meant dealing with things alone, not talking about what is going on with me because that shows weakness. It’s hard to break those patterns in the best of times but even harder when your living by yourself.
I don’t really know where I’m going with all this, perhaps just that I miss my mom.  

It’s Easter. The first holiday without my Mom. It was strange, she was always really good at planning things. She paid attention to details and always wanted us to have the best time. My Dad tries so hard, but he’s not my Mom. I miss her so much.

I made myself sit down and write my book essays yesterday. It took a lot because my books are about grief and death, incredibly relevant but scary topics. I didn’t want to write my essays and it took me the entire day to do it. After some reflection on why this was so (usually I can read and write essays about books quick. In fact I generally enjoy it) I realized that it was because writing and digesting those 2 books meant I had to look deeper at my mother’s death and the way it has affected me so far.

I read what I could and let myself cry and it was very draining but I did accomplish what I wanted. It’s been a little more then a week now and it’s all starting to feel real now. The chaos of planning a memorial and getting relatives to and from the airport has died down and it’s just me, my little sister and my dad.

The littlest things remind me of her. I had to stop using her Netflix account because seeing her name and the movies she would have liked was painful. Her winter coats still hang in the closet and I can’t even make caesar salad because it was “our” favorite. 

I MISS HER SO MUCH TODAY. The house feels empty without her. Where is she watching TV with me? Helping my little sister with her homework? Going grocery shopping with us? Helping me plan and pack for my return to the DR?
Mommy, I miss you. 

So so so sick. I wish my mom was here. She was always good at making me feel better. 
Her memorial service is tonight, which will be weird. I don’t want peoples pity. But I guess they deserve a place to talk about how much they all loved my mother too. She was a wonderful, brave, amazing woman. 

I went to NYC yesterday to look at my future college. I fell in love.
I just wish my mother could be here with me to talk about next year. I know she was so so proud of me, I just wish she could be here to tell me that.